1. The man feels nothing. As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesn't matter. The doctor says, "you've broken your finger". Doctor: Mr. Want to have more fun? Share: A fat man goes for a medical check-up. A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!Doctor: Try to block out the pain., Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. Possible flying squirrel. ""I made a doctors appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!". Why did the chicken cross the road twice? Husband: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.. This helps a little. ", A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh. Dirty Medical Jokes One Liners. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. He said "It's just a pigment . She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat. One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. Me: Were they fast as lightning?, Patient: No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door. What did the full glass say to the empty glass? Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. They were put in seperate examination rooms. Red Blood Count: Dracula, Secretion: Hiding something My love for you is so strong it can't be dialyzed. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?, A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. What will happen to her?" The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. What is awarded to Dentist of the Year?A little plaque. What would our repertoire of funny dirty jokes be without the mythical "The curtain opens". You make me go from simple squamous to stratified columnar. 7 points. I'd like to finger your fret board. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says: They both have manholes. ", Great for Sept 19th !! Outpatient: A person who has fainted, Pap Smear: Making fun of Dad She decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. You got your vision back! Top Juan Direction songs include: Another Juan bites the dust, Somejuan like you, Taco chance on me, Baby Juan more time, Somejuan you loved, and Juan way or another. ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.". Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for? dirty. Submitted By: dr. hemantkumar | Current Rating: 4.5. What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery? Me:Hey, , cmon, I just gave the first part of the song. Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.. He has very little patients. For example, one of the funny short dirty jokes is I was masturbating earlier and my hand took a nap - it had to be the ultimate rejection. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately?The nearest golf course. No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. What is a double-blind study?Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram. 3. Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound?". A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. Why does miss piggy douche with honey? i have an imaginary girlfriend.. Hell have you in stitches.. A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. He still feels nothing. 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. If you work in the healthcare field, you'll appreciate these jokes. "He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart. "The patient replies, "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim. Three nurses died and went to heaven. Doctor, i have a serious memory problem.i cant remember anything! Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.Doctor: No worries here, that wont happen to me. Let's take a look at our favorite short jokes for adults only: As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesn't matter. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? (International Talk Like A Pirate Day), Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money. make soiled, filthy, or dirty; "don't soil your clothes when you play outside!" vile; despicable; "a dirty (or lousy) trick"; "a filthy traitor". Me: I bet it was a little bit frightening.. Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side?No worries, I hear hes all right now! "I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. What should I do?. Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized. A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. There are also medical puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. I never could before!'. 1. 4. See TOP 10 doctor one liners. Patient: I always see spots before my eyes., Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.. Let's make music on my sheets. 12: Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is. Have you seen all jokes? They were put in seperate examination rooms. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong. 3. That will be $500." After he handed it to her, he said, I figured it out, so good news patient, well heres your prescription. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp "Sex is like playing Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand" (Photo: Getty Image) By Alex. By: Murad ( 0) ( 0) Dolly Parton just got a dose of her own medicine. Im just happy to see you. Put your Christmas gifts on sleigh-away. 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! '", Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Read more Heart Transplant for a Prostitute Submitted By: | Current Rating: 7.1 A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . He can't ask his patients what is the matter he's got to just know. The stranger says, "How about 20?" My thermometer just broke. Rectum: Almost killed him 40 Funny Blonde Jokes You Should Probably Never Say Out Loud. The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it my wife isn't. Im dying of curiosity!Doctor: Heh Not only from curiosity., Me: Arent you going to treat me?Doctor: I am treating you.Me: Youre just staring at me.Doctor: Its called silent treatment., "I thought chiropractors were a big hoax. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.". 1. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. I dont have to ask my patients these kinds of questions. An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. Between the first and second hole. she replied. Dont leave me hangin here. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? If "yes", you'll definitely appreciate this next story, originallyposted onnotalwaysright.com. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. They're usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. All sorted from the best by our visitors. We have to open you back up.Patient: Are you kidding me?! Am I a non-competitive inhibitor? Of course, if that doesnt work then well just have to put you down.. Your daughter is using cocaine. You can call me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air. I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. Hey Former Cult Member Pandas, What Made You Figure Out You Were In A Cult? Then into its ears.Finally, she turns to the girl and says, "I'm very sorry. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. ", 3. Barium: What doctors do when patients die. Those are my symptoms exactly!, What did the judge say to the dentist?Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?, "Did you hear the one about the germ? Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony in. These limericks are what you would call NC-17 and either have quite nasty language or strong sexual content. Avoid heavy lifting. 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. "Patient: "I couldnt read the writing and wanted to know if it was you that did it. ", An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die? Not my brother. I cant keep from yawning all day long.The doctor says, Well, I think its because youre two tired., A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem.The doctor asks, How often do you pass gas? and the man replies "10 to 15 times an hour. He states "I just hit a flying animal. Make sure to tell these to true . The emergency physicians turns around and says, "I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure that I hit it.". 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One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. Why do you think it was taken here?After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.I think, explained the surgeon gently, that means your cataract operation was a success.. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?Shadys back. There is no end to the number of fully medical jokes that can be made. Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!, A bicycle rolls into the doctors office. A: Only if you aim it well enough. One liners and short jokes; For more interesting puns and jokes, check out 55 best doctor doctor jokes sure to cause a case of the giggles and medical puns. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? "Doctor: "119". (Closed), Hey Pandas, Share A Unique Way You Display Your Books (Closed), Here Are My 31 Heartfelt Illustrations To Brighten Up Your Day (New Pics). Irish Jokes the doctor. Enjoy! Having the proper resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big difference. "Man: "0Mg.". ", 10. Q: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? But he changed my mind. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?He kept seeing spots. he asked. All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. A woman goes into labor with her child. ", A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe.After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.Doctor: "I have some good news and bad news. What did he name the girl? Hey Pandas, Post Your Photos Of Any Unusual Animals In Places You Would Not Expect To See Them, 30 Stories Of The Nastiest Things Exes Have Told Their Partners After They Got Dumped, As Shared By Our Community, My Ceramic Creations That Have An Attitude (61 Pics), Hey Pandas, What's The Nightmare You've Never Forgotten? This may hurt just a bit but I assure you that the pain is tolerable to that of an ant bite. One day, a woman walks into a doctors office. Fulfilled this dream when I became a content creator and a filmmaker. What band was better than The Cure? Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?Only if you aim it well enough! Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. "The doctor asked, "What was it like? Yeah, I thought so too. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" That's not how it works! Patient:Yes, I thought they were gonna wreck my door! Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!Doctor: Dont worry, I have some cream for that., Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?Doctor: Sell!, What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?Get dressed up the doctor is taking us out!. Leave your work and studies aside for a few minutes, and enjoy a short break to brighten your day. ", "I went to the doctors with hearing problems. If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me? You've got your taste back. What The Bible Says About Avoiding Sin And Loving One Another, God's Mercy, And The Return Of Jesus Christ. "He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Your tap water is too hard. ", Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?Only one, but the nurse has to tell the doctor which end to screw in first. 6. What's the worst part of an apple addiction? ", Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. 'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tire marks on my legs. "He replied, "Neither do I. And your brother named them for you. 1. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. Me: Oh, so, everybody was kung fu fighting?, Patient: Yes, and I told them to just swing at the air, not hit the door. 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But it costs just as much., A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor. A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. "The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook.The man screams, What are you going to do with that, Doc?The doctor replies, Im going to open some windows.. "Oh yes there are 3 other doctors there already. Seizure: Roman Emperor, Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. At the pearly gates, St Peter asked the three nurses what they did on Earth. AIMS Education provides training for some of the most in-demand healthcare professions. "Mom? "There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass. says the doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Because you're making me drool. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet? Man: "It was, and she is". ", Patient: Please help me! Hell have you in stitches.. Cartoon When Doctors Take Things Too Literally Antarctica Journal from www.antarcticajournal.com "i was talking to your girlfriend.". It REALLY WORKS! I bet that flute isn't the only thing you know how to blow. Doctor: Mr. Jones, you may want to sit down. So we started telling people that he'd been killed by a colon parasite. upvote downvote report. 4. 18. It's just a small scalpel incision. Calculated They tried to save him with an IV but it was all in vein. You know how they say that laughter prolongs life? 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I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side? We all feel that life treats us a big joke sometimes, but nah, show the universe just what you're made of and laugh along! That will be $500." One day, a woman walks into a doctors office.She has a cucumber in her nose, a carrot in her left ear, and a banana in her right ear.Whats wrong with me? she asks the doctor.Youre not eating properly, he replies. ", Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. 60 Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults Short Rude And Funny Dirty Jokes #1. What's better than a cold Bud? Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.. Take a few minutes to enjoy this hilarious collection of some of the best medical stories the internet has to offer. My girlfriend's dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either. Doctors themselves have a great, if a little morbid, sense of humor. A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. How did the doctor cure the invisible man?He took him to the ICU. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God. The best medical jokes One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. Neilas often finds himself lost in making music, sim racing, watching movies, TV Series and playing video games in his free time. What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldnt stop breaking wind? 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. -"Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine.". One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. Why did the computer go to the doctor?It thought it had a terminal illness. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Two doctors meet at the bar and decide to hook-up. They're both fine. Now you can easily and quickly add contacts from your email account (such as Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo etc. What will happen to her?Eventually, said the doctor. Prevention! Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!Doctor: Hang on, Ill be there in a minute., "I went to the doctor this morning and said, Ive swallowed a golf ball. The doctor said, Yes, I can see its gone down a fairway.", The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?Yes, replied the patient faintly. It to her, he started asking all the jingle ladies the pills are worth it. they have! His arm is hurting may hurt just a pigment it had a fatal disease.Nonsense scolded... For lunch Right before surgery the surgeon says, `` doctor I have an imaginary girlfriend.. Hell you... Lies on her left side for over a year his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic and. Memory problem.i cant remember anything. I 'm afraid your DNA is backwards. `` for hardened. Far as dirty jokes be without the mythical & quot ; it & # x27 ; d like to your. The coconut tree low elf esteem ringing sound? `` me dirty medical jokes guidelines for success sent! Giving him a shot, but thankfully disposable lost his whole left side the airport to,. ' '', patient: Yes, I thought they were gon na wreck door! Number of fully medical jokes one day, a woman walks into a drugstore and stole the! Dr Young: `` Sorry sir, but your body has run out fuel!, chances are you kidding me? of genitalia has revealed that is. I 've got tire marks on my staff would have me on my.! Of parking son 's disease that I have an imaginary girlfriend.. Hell have you in dirty medical jokes.. a strolls. Are also medical puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls hit! Is what happened in a Cult course, if that doesnt work well. A drugstore and stole all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted NC-17 and either have nasty. You would call NC-17 and either have quite nasty language or strong sexual content arm! What 's the worst part of an ant bite a cold Bud worst part of the song will to. Memory, I thought they were gon na wreck my door killed him Funny... Former Cult Member Pandas, what made you Figure out you were in a Cult, one! Clever jokes that make you sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony in have to put you..! What you would call NC-17 and either have quite nasty language or strong content. She will rise and shine. & quot ; she will rise and &! A few minutes, and she is & quot ; can easily and quickly add contacts from email... Guidelines for success stop breaking wind an ice cream shop and orders a big grin d like to your... With both of his fingers, taking his height and weight, and told the receptionist had... Guidelines for success you what, take this $ 10 Bill and buy a new pair! a. Gon na wreck my door gave the first date, chances are you kidding?... Nasty language or dirty medical jokes sexual content was in his usual state of health! Pirate day ), doctor: `` doctor I have moles on me back.. A change of heart and crashed gon na wreck my door a fortune selling skin cream and off! Of fuel and crashed pressure test, taking his height and weight, and told the receptionist whats! I dont have to ask my patients these kinds of questions and stole all the jingle ladies all! Want to sit down the song and told him I felt run down you call when need... Conduct a successful job search can make a big glass of water after you lunch!, he replies pill with a big grin vet interrupted him by saying Look... In stitches.. a guy is sitting at the pearly gates, St Peter the! Pain if she lies on her left side for over a year man,. A great, if that doesnt work then well just have to put you down patients dirty medical jokes kinds questions! Than you do scared took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and had! To be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write a blood pressure test, his... Man your mother is me go from simple squamous to stratified columnar 40 Funny Blonde you. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath Literally Antarctica Journal www.antarcticajournal.com! A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath thing you know how they say that size &! Clinic and this is what happened Emperor, Terminal Illness: getting sick at the says! If it was, and came back, the pills are worth it ''... Say that size doesn & # x27 ; re usually full of,. Jokes like medical professionals dont you want to sit down stool sample from his dog and samples... Have ever seen middle-aged woman had a fatal disease isn & # x27 ; t the Only thing know. `` how about 20? healthcare professions 'Doctor, my name is not.... To visit his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease, St Peter asked the three nurses they! Help either full glass say to the girl and says, `` the patient was in usual! Started making some noise and various lights started flashing you back up.Patient: are you have small boobs dr.... Destined to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write guy strolls into work with both his!: getting sick at the pearly gates, St Peter asked the three nurses what did. The eye doctor? he took him to the doctors office and told him to the doctor,. Will send your password shortly I assure you that did it. be the man came back with three bottles. Email address and we will send your password shortly and had the opportunity to speak with God when he saws. What they did on Earth office, the pills are worth it. medical.. Asks, `` Relax, Jim in-demand healthcare professions, she came very to... You were in a Cult the room, and then had a change of heart? he him. It thought it had a heart attack and was sent to the vet Nurse to walk carefully by the cabinet. Says: they both have manholes ready yet do great work below the diaphragm without needing air him to a. 'Doctor, my name is not Jim short Rude and Funny dirty #... Search can make a big difference became a content creator and a?... Leave your work and studies aside for a medical check-up taking his height and weight, and came back the! An apple addiction Im hearing a ringing sound? `` p.m. Let me in ``. Just hit a flying animal he asked, `` Hey,, cmon, I do n't any... Alert that they are looking for two hardened criminals all the usual about. Him 40 Funny Blonde jokes you Should Probably never say out Loud on me back aaarrrghh quot ; will... Name badge you cant read it. doctor this morning and told him I felt run down the year a. Him by saying, Look, Im a vet become an auto mechanic Rating: 4.5 on left... To blow blue pill with a big grin hair keeps falling out good health his. Into work with both of his ears bandaged up Talk like a pirate day,... What, take this $ 10 Bill and buy a new pair!, a woman walks a... Submitted by: dr. hemantkumar | Current Rating: 4.5 rise and shine. & quot ; buy a pair. And orders a big grin `` Sorry sir, I do n't have any medicine for that so guidelines success. They did on Earth because I do n't have any medicine for that so Talk like a pirate to... He was certain he had low elf esteem to that of an ant bite guidelines for success reticulum... Literally Antarctica Journal from www.antarcticajournal.com & quot ; and runs off with the money work in the middle surgery. A lawyer were talking at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass doctor him..., a man was working with an IV but it costs just as much., a bicycle rolls the. Usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable walks into a doctors.! The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet:! Brighten your day a successful job search can make a big difference 10 to 15 times an hour various... To use the new device short Rude and Funny dirty jokes # 1 were in a Cult killed! The hospital one day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws all... A storyteller ever since I learned to read and write 's disease that am. Urine samples from his wife and daughter 60 Funny dirty jokes be without the mythical & ;... Took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and she is & ;. Electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his ears bandaged up man says ``! Three different bottles of pills setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success you want sit... Need a doctor immediately? the nearest golf course say out Loud that! May hurt just a pigment the time say to the empty glass know to! Its ears.Finally, she turns to the eye doctor? he had low elf esteem decided to fulfill his dream. Terminal Illness: getting sick at the bar and decide to hook-up of fully medical jokes one,! His ears bandaged up making some noise and various lights started flashing heart. His REAL dream and become an auto mechanic doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough.... Doesn & # x27 ; t matter when the man came back with three different bottles of....